All These Mortal Wounds

Press - Fuck you!
Most of you don't have any opinions!
You are not interested in truth!
Sometimes it's better not to describe!
Never take a stand - always react!
Which side are you on?
Atari Teenage Riot, P.R.E.SS

So you want to know everything about All These Mortal Wounds, the greatest rock band in history? Well, let me tell you about a morning in a luxury hotel suite in Beverly Hills last month.

They were planning their grand world tour for 2015. Sludge, Arrgh, Death Wish and Fluffy were sitting in Sludge's hotel room waiting for Mr. Pinky, the manager. Sludge threw out the two blondes that he had spent the night with and Arrgh was shooting up some amphetamine, business as usual. Being one of the few reporters ATMW tolerate, I was able to sneak in for a quick set of questions.

JL: Your latest album, "Wham, bam, thank you ma'am", has sold platinum both in the States and in Europe recently. How do you explain your incredible success with the audience?

Sludge: Because, we're so fucking good. Pure rock'n'roll, that hits the guys and babes out there in the guts.

Fluffy: And we're sexy too!

Death Wish: Sludge's right, but we in ATMW want to accomplish something greater. We want to break down all conventions, all hypocritical opinions about life, and show people how puny lives they live.

Arrgh: Hey DW! Lighten up, have some coke and chicks! Don't pay any attention to him JL, he just says those things, he doesn't actually mean them. ATMW is just about sex, drugs and rock'n'roll, and no highbrow shit.

JL: Yeah, right... so, you've decided to go on tour again, just a year after your first. Isn't that a bit too ambitious? Are you already loosing popularity?

DW: Well, you have to keep on moving, otherwise the audience will soon loose interest in you. Either you have to be shocking in a new way or try to go for a niche, like Ambassador Flippy.

JL: I can't see dolphintechno compete with your hardcore rock.

DW: Yeah, but it does. Weird, isn't it? The audience often sees all new bands in the mainstream as the same thing and looses interest quickly. That's why we have to compete with sampled dolphin ambient sound with an ec message.

JL: If it's so, Death Wish, is it because you really never do anything new. I mean, you basically do the same things Monster Magnet and Scream War did in the '00s, Marilyn Manson and Guns & Roses did in the '90s, and they did the same things that Twisted Sister and Queen did in the '80s?

Arrgh: Fuck you, man! We kick their butts!

JL: But in the long run the audience wont see the differences and quickly loose interest when the latest fad isn't the latest fad any longer.

DW: Yeah, but we rock. Is there anything else to do?

Sludge: Duuuuuuuh, screw this intellectual shit. JL, I've started fucking pigs lately, their pussies feel better than our fucking groupies' slimy cunts.

JL: Cool! That's a scoop!

Johnny, what the FUCK are you doing?! Sludge is right: half a page of intellectual shit, and only FOUR lines about the pigs?! Have you gone completely virr? You get a one-one with ATMW, and don't follow up on the only thing that is important. I want more about the pigs. Make them central. I want an interview with them, for Christs sake! I want screaming animal righters and crying groupies! Face it: Sludge has more brains than you. He knows what still makes people sit up and take notice.

Cindy Ridgewell, Editor